Mother’s ruin; a guide to the horrors of the post-pregnancy hangover
Oh, the whole world of pain that is the post-pregnancy hangover…
After years of practice throughout my teens and twenties, I thought I knew hangovers. Ha! I was wrong.
One of the less well-known pregnancy side effects is that you turn into a massive lightweight, due to sitting out of the drinking game for a good few rounds at least. And one who’s had no sleep in months on top of that. So when the occasional occasion for after-birth drinking happens – wedding, long-organised night out of freeeeeedom – before you know it the cold light of day is tapping repeatedly on your tired and emotional head, saying “Wake up, mummy!”
All of these will probably happen:
- Surprise! Despite weeks of post-7am lie-ins there will be a super, special, extra early start. Guaranteed
- You’ll be unable to lift your head from the pillow without the room spinning. They’ll be raring to go from the minute their eyes open
- The emergency iPad of early morning distraction will be on 0% battery
- Despite being unable to take even a sideways glance at a glass of water, you’ll have to make and clear up breakfast
- Sensing your delicate state and desire to just lie on the sofa in a pool of your own regret, your children will go easy on you. As if! It’ll be “Let’s do bouncing!” Or, treating you as a human climbing frame.
What’s it like, the first hangover back?
- Like your head is under the Jumperoo with a particularly energetic occupant bouncing off your forehead
- Getting trapped in the world’s worst soft play, only worse, with no chance of escape, ever
- Being in a small shop that sells all the noise-making toys in the world, and they’re all making a noise all at once, on infinite repeat.
So what you can do? Well, the chances of your baby wanting to go for a relaxing, quiet afternoon at the pub while you read the papers in peace are slim to none (especially if you also have a toddler). So if you can, wangle a weekend lie-in. Then it’s just a case of hanging on, until bedtime. And pray it goes quickly.
Things that are worse than a post-baby hangover:
- Being stuck in a taxi in stop-start London Sunday traffic on the way home from a wedding, on a road with speed bumps every metre, with two very vocal children and your first massive hangover since having the baby (that was my weekend, how was yours?)
- Not much else
It’s fair to say this newishly post-pregnant mum is never drinking again. Ever. Stop sniggering there at the back. I mean it, this time.
A Baby on Board has been shortlisted in the best pregnancy blog category in the 2015 MAD Blog Awards; thank you so much for the support! You can vote for us here x.