I’ve said it before, but pregnancy is really not a glamorous time, is it? And this is never truer than the later stages. I’m not sure when it happens, but at one point you’re strolling happily along the second trimester, then all of a sudden you hit 30 weeks and wham – you’re just about to give birth. And boy, does your body know it. There’s a tipping point, and it’s usually you (with a weighty front load and absolutely no balance).
I wrote a few months ago about the things no-one tells you about pregnancy, and realised recently – while not being able to walk properly due to a baby head wedged in my pelvis – that there’s a whole new set for the final couple of months.
So say farewell to your feet; here are the agonies and indignities of the third trimester.
- Every time you enter a shop, people eye your stomach and the floor with concern
- Your husband has had to take your shoes off for you. Of course, he thought this was hilarious
- You make old lady noises when you get up. Everything creaks and groans, like an ancient rusty cargo ship
- All thoughts of maintenance ‘below deck’ have gone overboard. Naturally your husband thinks this is hilarious too
- Most of your time is spent being either desperate for a wee or in a state of serious dehydration, often both at the same time. Which makes leaving the house challenging
- Pregnancy pelvic floor means sneezing becomes an extreme sport. Just don’t make me laugh
- You are knackered but probably won’t sleep very well. What’s more annoying are the people who say it’s preparation for the newborn stage (after two years of sleep deprivation I can say that NO, it isn’t)
- And on that note, grumpy? Maybe. But it’s everyone else who’s being completely and utterly unreasonable…
- Shaving your legs or painting your toenails? Good luck!
- You’ll take any compliment you’re given at this stage. ‘Nice high placenta’ was a recent one, as well as ‘you’re no fatter than last time’ and ‘you look like you swallowed a football’ (oh…wait).
However, late stage pregnancy has its advantages. No-one’s in any doubt about your baby on board status on public transport. You can usually command a snack on demand. And it’s a useful bargaining tool. Trying to sort out the non-delivery of our sofas last week, I mentioned that I was nine months pregnant and couldn’t possibly sit on the floor. The sofas arrived shortly after. I’m just hoping that my waters don’t break on them.