The mother law: everything that can possibly go wrong just before you’re due to leave the house with small children, does.
Leaving the house pre-children is really, really easy; I laugh now at how easy it was. It involves a) making sure you have your phone, bag and keys and b) walking out of the door. Even going back twice to check your straighteners are off only adds about two measly minutes on to your journey.
But after kids? It’s a complicated affair. If it’s a 25 stage process with one child then it’s even longer with two. And when I’m trying to leave the house with both children, for any kind of purpose, everything usually all goes wrong within minutes. It’s like an invisible force where it all unravels right before my eyes.
If there’s Murphy’s Law, Sod’s Law and that one about the toast always dropping butter-side-down (does that have a name?) then the Mother Law should definitely be a thing.
Here’s my case in point:
* Just need to get dressed? Sounds easy, but think again. If we’re going somewhere it’s always a challenge to talk the toddler into it. The baby won’t be a) put down or b) impressed. Then it’s only after we all have clothes on that I realise we all match a bit too much. And then the toddler will want to wear her winter shoes, winter coat and a knitted Olaf hat on the hottest day of the year. I’m all for independent choice and freedom of expression, but…in summer?
* There’s always a last-minute emergency nappy situation requiring a complete change of clothes for the baby. Just as we’re about to leave. Always
* The more fun and toddler-centric the planned activity we’re off to, the more things in the house will somehow suddenly distract her. The route to the door is seemingly littered with random distractions
* Important things I’ve had just minutes before vanish into thin air when we need to leave. Like my phone. Or the house keys (we’ll ignore the fact both inevitably turn up five minutes later…in my back pocket).
* The baby – who’s been happily awake for lots of the night – falls asleep at the most mission critical time. Usually in the sling if we need to take the pram, and vice-versa
* Be prepared? The change bag – that I actually now go to the trouble of pre-packing – will always be missing one key component in the nappies / wipes / bags / change of clothes equation (the one we’ll definitely end up needing later)
* Whatever the weather, it’ll start to rain when the raincover to the pram is no-where to be seen
* There is always a last-minute curve-ball, like hearing a little toddler-shaped voice shoot “Mummy, I’m wearing your lipstick.” (And always the most expensive lipstick).
I bet the Duchess of Cambridge never has this problem.
Other Mother Laws:
- The postman will always ring twice…right when you’ve just got the baby to sleep. And it’ll be a delivery for next door
- You always lose the toddler’s favourite toy right before bedtime
- Pale or pastel clothes? 110% chance of a grubby handprint on them within seconds. Usually from you
- One or both of your children will always wake up unannounced on the evenings where you have something planned (even when something = having dinner)
- You run out of wine on the days when you need it most
- The worse the night, the cuter the baby seems the next day. It’s almost as if they know…